Ben Writes

Meet Dexter.

He’s my one year old miniature long haired Dachshund. He enjoys chasing his tail, dry humping his favorite pillow, sleeping, licking your face, and peeing on you if he’s excited. In short, he’s the best dog ever.

We’ve all the heard the rumor, dogs will eat anything … but is it true? Why don’t you help me find out. I love science, it’s so straightforward and like any experiment we have to lay down some guidelines to preserve the integrity of our work.

1. Nothing that will harm Dexter, he is my best non-human friend. That and my soon to be wife would destroy me if anything happened to him. This includes anything that will make him puke, act funny, or have bad gas.

2. It has to be food. I don’t want my dog pooping balloons or robo-tripping.

3. No meat. He’s a dog, of course he’ll eat meat.

4. There is a 30 second time limit. I mean hell, after 2 seconds if he hasn’t ate it, he won’t.

5. No hiding the item in cheese or anything else that we know he’ll eat. I could get him to eat his own poop … well he already does that.

6. Any irregularities with his bowel movements will be documented.

With that decided, leeeeeeet’s begin.

Week One: ALTOIDS

Note: Dogs cannot eat sugar free Altoids, the sugar substitute is poisonous and could make them very sick.

I know some people who won’t eat Altoids. To be more specific, the classic red can Peppermint Altoids. Me? I love them, pop them like candy. But what about a dog?

Let’s ask Dexter:

YES!!!!!! Dexter likes altoids, apparently a lot. He didn’t just eat it, he destroyed it and then tried to get the can.

No dogs were injured in the making of this blog, and his breath still smells

Overview

Rather than the murder mystery plot at the heart of the first book, TGWPWF is much more of a thriller. That’s not say it worse, again just different. It centers around the murder of a couple of reporters who are freelancers for Mikael’s magazine. Lisbeth is framed for the murders and predictably their paths cross once again.

The Girl Who Played With Fire is far more centered on Lisbeth than Mikael, unlike the first book which was based on Mikael and his quest to solve the mystery. We definitely delve into Lisbeth’s past and her personal life in this book, which means some particularly descriptive lesbian scenes. It also means some more extremely painful stories as we get to the root of Lisbeth’s anti-social behavior.

There are however a few commonalities between the two books. First off, Larsson’s politics litter TGWPWF but in a different manner. The first book was really centered on the evil’s of capitalism while this book is much more centered on exploitation of women. The second real thread is the pacing of the books, TGWPWF is again very back heavy. The beginning isn’t as slow and painful, but it clears take a while to ramp up. Again I put this book back on the shelf after the first chapter. As we get in to the murders, Lisbeth’s life and run from the law, and Mikael’s attempt to help her the books hits a frenzied pace.

The book also introduces us to many new characters who follow us through the end of the trilogy. First, we meet law enforcement personnel, as to be expected they speak volumes about Larsson’s opinion on law enforcement. The characters range from corrupt cops to policewomen struggling to stay honest under intense pressure. We also meet Miriam Wu, Lisbeth’s lesbian lover who has a deep and interesting relationship with our heroine. We lastly encounter a few characters with a relationship from Lisbeth’s past, but I don’t want to ruin any of Larsson’s twists as there are plenty.

What I Liked

- Larsson clearly did a good deal of planning when writing his books, the storylines only build on the first book and have no plot holes.

- Larsson shows great range going from Mystery to Thriller in this book, and he does it about as well as could be asked for. In fact it was quite an ingenious transition as another mystery book could have been repetitive and stale.

- There is a fantastic cliffhanger at the end of this book that will leave you reaching for the third book.

What I Didn’t Like

- The pacing isn’t much better, not as noticeable as the first novel but it is clearly very back heavy. In fact it is almost too back heavy. So much hits you at once that you have to reread certain parts.

- Stieg struggles with writing from the viewpoint of anyone but his main characters. Chapters written in the perspective of the law enforcement are often very lacking and uninteresting.

Conclusion

TGWPWF is a very worthy follow up, some of the charm and intrigue of the mystery plot in the first novel is lost but it more than makes up for it with high paced action. The best thing you can say for a sequel is that it makes you look forward to the third book, that is more than true here.

**** out of *****

This week’s would you rather is brought to us by our future sponsor, the Nutty Buddy. Keep your friends close and your Nutty Buddy closer.

If you didn’t guess already, this edition of “Would You Rather” is dedicated to nut shots. All men have had their balls punished at least once. It’s what makes us appreciate the fragility of our man parts. For example, when I was no more than of five I was visiting my father at a construction. The entrance to the building was a catwalk, which slipped on and came down split legged on. From then I have protected my meat and two veg at any cost.

Would you rather have an NFL kicks use your nuts to practice field goals OR would you rather let Phil Mickelson test his new driver on your nutsack? With, of course, the proviso that you are wearing a cup courtesy of our friends at Nutty Buddy.

My choice is the kicker, less surface area.

What would you choose?

What was the worst nut shot you’ve endured?

Fathers … and Step Fathers - for better or worse they’re the best teacher any boy can have. Through their triumphs and mistakes we learn the lessons that make us better men, lessons that we will ultimately pass down to our children. With that said, if you had a father figure anything like mine, these lessons come with unforgettable stories.

Getting your drivers license is one of those milestones in your life you will remember forever - however I had a harder time than most getting there. I had logged very few hours behind the wheel before I took Driver’s Ed during my junior year of High School. I was already sheepish and meek by nature but getting behind the wheel with three other students in the car and an imposing, chain smoking female driving teacher compounded the issue.

Any kid will tell you the best driver in the world is their father, after a few classes I decided to take careful notes from my step father when it came to a few things; one thing I had persistent problems with was remembering to actually turn and watch out the back window when in reverse rather than checking the rear-view mirror. My step father’s technique was one I’m sure you’re familiar, he slipped his right arm behind the passenger seat to give him leverage when craning his neck to get a better view out of the back. It seemed genius, or so I thought.

My next time in Driver’s Ed I was very excited to show my instructor that I had been practicing outside of class. When she told me to parallel park I pulled up to the front car, put the car in reverse, threw my arm behind her seat like I had seen my step father do and executed what I thought was a perfect parallel parking job.

My first clue was the snickering from the back seat but I was riding the high of success … until I turned to my instructor for validation. “It’s been a long time since a 16 year old used that move on me,” she rasped. “But I think my husband might have something to say about that.”

The snickering became belly laughs.

I eventually did learn how to parallel park and passed my road test on the first try, a testament to her patience with me behind the wheel. When I excitedly went to pick up my results after the test, she congratulated me. “You’ve come a long way since from the kid that was putting the moves on me,” she prodded.

Even if he didn’t mean to, my step father taught me how to parallel park. And pick up women.

Overview

To understand the politics in the novels is to understand the man behind the books. Larsson was something of a political activist, he dedicated his career and life to many left wing organizations. His activities ranged from training Ethiopian Guerrillas to use rocket launchers to outing the Neo-Nazi underbelly of Sweden. Unsurprisingly, Larsson’s politics shine through in his writing, many of his antagonists tend to show the kind of right wing racist and sexist extremism he fought to expose.

Let me begin by saying The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo starts out at a crawl while Larsson slowly introduces us to his two protagonists, Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander. In fact, and I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, I put down the book withing the first forty pages or so and didn’t pick it for a few weeks. As painfully slowly as the book starts, if you hang on past the first 50 pages it won’t be long before you are engrossed in a very standard murder mystery plot that develops. That is not to say it isn’t exciting and worth reading, more that it feels vaguely familiar and done before.

What really shines throughout the plot of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is the fantastic character development - Lisbeth and Mikael are very engrossing characters and Larsson takes his time building up an intricate history and relationships that plays very prominently in the following books. Mikael is a journalist who works for a small left wing magazine, when we are first introduced to him he is in the middle of a libel suit that threatens to sink his career and magazine. Lisbeth is a dark, brooding, intense woman who seems to suffer from Aspergers Syndrome but shows a talent for computers. Unsurprisingly, our protagonists find they have to rely on each other to destroy the people threatening their lives.

As mentioned, the book heavily features subjects that Larsson addressed in his professional life. Our characters’ histories are rife with abuse at the hands of authority figures, corrupt and racist cops, and shady capitalists. Some situations are almost hyperbolic and cringe worthy but serve their purpose in the course of our story.

What I liked

- The character development is beyond engrossing and by far the most impressive part of the book. Their stories are heart wrenching, maddening, completely … well … engrossing.

- While simplistic, the mystery plot is very well done and plays into the storyline pretty well.

- Larsson paints a beautiful picture of Sweden from it’s bustling cities to it’s quiet, snow covered country.

What I Didn’t Like
-The politics are completely heavy handed and have all of the subtlety of a tack hammer over the head, almost too over the top.

-The book starts off painfully slowly almost the point of being unreadable.

Conclusion
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a fantastic book and a terrific opening for the rest of the trilogy.

****.5 out of *****

If you’re like me you have woken up on a Saturday or Sunday morning feeling like shit warmed over from the night before. You don’t want to move, you might puke. You don’t want to eat, you’ll definitely puke. And you sure as shit don’t want to have to think. The only thing you can bear to without puking is pick up the remote and turn on the tv and zone out.

That’s where Hangover movies come in. I’m talking about movies you lay around and watch because they require no brain activity at all to follow. I can’t take credit for coining the phrase, the first time I heard the time used was when I was about ten and my step father walked in the room while I was watching Clan of the Cave Bear.

These movies usually usually have a few characteristics:

1. Bright colors

2. Simple plots

3. Scantily clad women

*contrary to popular belief funny movies are a bad choice, laughing sends throbbing jolts of electricity to your frontal lobe that makes your eyes cross.

There also obviously a few things to stay away from as well:

1. Musicals

2. Anything with Jack Black yelling and trying to be funny

3. War movies or racing movies

My personal advice, stick to a martial arts movie - you can’t go wrong with Jackie Chan as long as Chris Tucker’s high pitch screeching isn’t in it. Another solid choice is something from Pixar, it will hold your kid’s attention but is entertaining enough for adults. And you can’t overlook the entertainment of an old classic like Star Wars or Planet of the Apes.

With these guidelines in mind you can be educated in your choice of movies that’s won’t make you puke.

This time we’re looking at bodily functions. Animals are always fun and require some careful strategic planning, however these bodily function situations are more to do with thresholds. You see, either way you’re screwed - they’re more a matter of which are you more screwed doing and tend to speak towards what someone is made of.

Would you rather take a handful of Alli then eat a sack of white castle sliders.

OR

Would you rather drink a whole bottle of pepto then eat a sack of white castle sliders.

What this boils down to is would you rather be backed up followed by a monstrous crap that could tear you up coming out or glued to the toilet spraying brown water from your brown eye?

My answer? I’m going for the Alli. Diarrhea may be more uncomfortable upfront but in the end your sore butthole will heal. Giving birth to giant black turd shaped like a football can end you.

I finally bit the bullet and shelled out cash (granted at a discounted rate) to watch a movie I was scared was going to be garbage - Captain America. I was worried they would rush it out so the Avengers could be released next year, I was worried they would continue the tradition of crappy Captain America flicks.

It wasn’t terrible. Not Great. Not Bad. Better than Thor and Iron Man 2, not nearly as good as the first Iron man. Then again I’m sucker for WWII alternate history. Tommy Lee Jones was great, Hayley Atwell was really good, Hugo Weaving was painful.

Although it feel kind of top heavy and rushed towards the end, it does Captain America justice. Finally. Don’t be scared to go see it.

Emerging from the American Southwest at a very young age exploding onto the indie music scene, Zach Condon is regarded as something of a prodigy. At only 25 he has carved out a niche as a Balkan Folk Electro pioneer and his band Beirut has been his vehicle for doing so. His most recent work, The Rip Tide, is a marvelous amalgamation of all of those influences into something ear catching.

Hanging out in the far fringes of the Indie music scene, Beirut gained the attention of music snobs and hipsters with their last release Flying Club Cup. Boosted by a video series with Vincent Moon of Le Blogotheque fame, Zach and Beirut became an internet sensation and an “in” band listen to.

The Rip Tide is Beirut and Zach’s first full length release in almost four years, much anticipated and talked about … and they do not disappoint. The Rip Tide is much tighter and pushes Beirut from one release wonders to the future of the Indie scene in the way Conor Oberst once was, one hopes that Zach can keep his wits and focus about him long enough realize such potential.

Undoubtedly, Santa Fe is the most exciting, marketable, and experimental song on the album. It showcases a new electronic feel yet doesn’t forget the traditional elements that Zach and Beirut are known for.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYdXi-AseF8&feature=related

If hearing is believing, it only takes a few listens to believe that The Rip Tide is something special. It has the kind of feel to break Beirut into more mainstream channels as a quirky, exciting band in the same manner that bands like the Avett Brothers were able to more recently. Let’s hope this is only the beginning for them.