Ben Writes

Toilet Talk: Fart Rules

Ahhhh yes, the rules of passing gas, one of the first life lessons we learn as children. We’ve all heard them - “He who smelt it, dealt” and it’s cousin “He who denied it, supplied it”. But which one is right?

The biggest key to unlocking the mystery of the farter is knowing who you are dealing with. The first class is the proud farter. As a child, we never felt anything but pride in our gas. It was almost always a case of “Do you smell that? I did it!”. It was a badge of pride to be able to elicit a strong reaction thanks to our emissions. In that respect, these are the easiest farters to detect.

Our second class of farters are what I like to call the voyeur. These are the kind of farters are proud of their farts but they want you to discover them on your own, simply because it’s more funny that way. These people are easily identifiable by their laughs or smirks. They deny it, but not very convincingly. These farters are also easily detectable.

Third is our sneaky farter. We have all met the sneaky farter, they’re renowned for crop dusting or dropping SBDs but the biggest difference between them and voyeur is they don’t want to admit to their work. Sneaky farters are spottable by their attempted stealth movements. They are almost impossible to catch after the fact as they will deny at all risks, you must catch them in the act. Movements to watch for are pauses while stepping, stretching, and coughs to cover up any unexpected noises. These are by far the hardest farters to catch.

Last but not least are the courteous farters. Embarrassed farters don’t like to pass gas in public, they prefer to do their business in bathrooms or outside. For this reason, when you do catch them it’s usually because one slips out or you sneak up on them. What’s more, they usually have to qualms admitting their misgivings unless they are fundamentalist embarrassed farters. Usually these farters are easy to detect but can cause problems

So, what rule is the most effective? The answer is all of them. Every rule can be applied to different farters.