Ben Writes

Toilet Talk: Fart Rules

Ahhhh yes, the rules of passing gas, one of the first life lessons we learn as children. We’ve all heard them - “He who smelt it, dealt” and it’s cousin “He who denied it, supplied it”. But which one is right?

The biggest key to unlocking the mystery of the farter is knowing who you are dealing with. The first class is the proud farter. As a child, we never felt anything but pride in our gas. It was almost always a case of “Do you smell that? I did it!”. It was a badge of pride to be able to elicit a strong reaction thanks to our emissions. In that respect, these are the easiest farters to detect.

Our second class of farters are what I like to call the voyeur. These are the kind of farters are proud of their farts but they want you to discover them on your own, simply because it’s more funny that way. These people are easily identifiable by their laughs or smirks. They deny it, but not very convincingly. These farters are also easily detectable.

Third is our sneaky farter. We have all met the sneaky farter, they’re renowned for crop dusting or dropping SBDs but the biggest difference between them and voyeur is they don’t want to admit to their work. Sneaky farters are spottable by their attempted stealth movements. They are almost impossible to catch after the fact as they will deny at all risks, you must catch them in the act. Movements to watch for are pauses while stepping, stretching, and coughs to cover up any unexpected noises. These are by far the hardest farters to catch.

Last but not least are the courteous farters. Embarrassed farters don’t like to pass gas in public, they prefer to do their business in bathrooms or outside. For this reason, when you do catch them it’s usually because one slips out or you sneak up on them. What’s more, they usually have to qualms admitting their misgivings unless they are fundamentalist embarrassed farters. Usually these farters are easy to detect but can cause problems

So, what rule is the most effective? The answer is all of them. Every rule can be applied to different farters.

Toilet Talk: Update on Dexter and the Pepper Rings

Friday we fed Dexter pepper rings, you can see that entry below if you missed it. He really liked them, putting down four before we decided we should probably slow down in case it causes stomach aches. That morning he had done his business and I checked his droppings to make sure nothing was weird, unsurprisingly he was fine so the woman and I went out to run some errands.

When we got him I took him out on his regular schedule, and I swear I nearly missed it but there was a thin yellow/green ring in his poop. Upon further inspection it turns out he pooped out one of the Banana Peppers whole. I got back in and did a little research, it turns out dog’s digestive systems struggle to process fibers and plants and the such.

You and I suffer from the same problem, I’m sure you’re accustomed to the old corn in the poop? Same concept, our digestive tracts are not capable of highly fibrous outer coating of a corn kernel and it leaves us in tact. The same thing happens with tomato as well, it’s not a noticeable because of the color but certain parts of the tomato are too fibrous for us to process and out it comes whole.

The worst food to experience this with is … peanuts. Not this doesn’t always happen, but peanuts can sometimes be too fibrous to digest and come out in little jagged pieces implanted in your poop. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

Toilet Talk: Full of Crap

This past weekend the woman and I spent Saturday with her sister, brother in law, and their two little children. Their daughter was a little backed up and watching her strain would have been comical had she not been so miserable. Watching nearly popping a blood vessel made me think of some of the monsters I’m struggled with.

Before you get scared you’re going to see pictures of massive dumps of I’ve taken. Don’t worry, this is more about the accomplishment we feel afterwards; not about taking pictures - about what drives our compulsion to feel like we need to brag about giant dump.

All guys know the feeling - it’s the same whether we step on a scale afterward to get an accurate weight of the before and after, whether we stand and admire our work trying to figure out what it look like, or if we take a picture and send it to friends. Ask any guy, they’ll tell you about the one that was so long it circled the bowl 3 times or looked like the superman S.

It’s what we do, it’s who are, it’s how we’re built. It’s almost of a feeling of “look what I made”. Mothers - know when you look at your kids as they play or feed themselves the first time or something like that? Yeah, it’s like that.

Toilet Talk: Would You Rather 3

This week’s would you rather is brought to us by our future sponsor, the Nutty Buddy. Keep your friends close and your Nutty Buddy closer.

If you didn’t guess already, this edition of “Would You Rather” is dedicated to nut shots. All men have had their balls punished at least once. It’s what makes us appreciate the fragility of our man parts. For example, when I was no more than of five I was visiting my father at a construction. The entrance to the building was a catwalk, which slipped on and came down split legged on. From then I have protected my meat and two veg at any cost.

Would you rather have an NFL kicks use your nuts to practice field goals OR would you rather let Phil Mickelson test his new driver on your nutsack? With, of course, the proviso that you are wearing a cup courtesy of our friends at Nutty Buddy.

My choice is the kicker, less surface area.

What would you choose?

What was the worst nut shot you’ve endured?

Toilet Talk: Hangover Movies

If you’re like me you have woken up on a Saturday or Sunday morning feeling like shit warmed over from the night before. You don’t want to move, you might puke. You don’t want to eat, you’ll definitely puke. And you sure as shit don’t want to have to think. The only thing you can bear to without puking is pick up the remote and turn on the tv and zone out.

That’s where Hangover movies come in. I’m talking about movies you lay around and watch because they require no brain activity at all to follow. I can’t take credit for coining the phrase, the first time I heard the time used was when I was about ten and my step father walked in the room while I was watching Clan of the Cave Bear.

These movies usually usually have a few characteristics:

1. Bright colors

2. Simple plots

3. Scantily clad women

*contrary to popular belief funny movies are a bad choice, laughing sends throbbing jolts of electricity to your frontal lobe that makes your eyes cross.

There also obviously a few things to stay away from as well:

1. Musicals

2. Anything with Jack Black yelling and trying to be funny

3. War movies or racing movies

My personal advice, stick to a martial arts movie - you can’t go wrong with Jackie Chan as long as Chris Tucker’s high pitch screeching isn’t in it. Another solid choice is something from Pixar, it will hold your kid’s attention but is entertaining enough for adults. And you can’t overlook the entertainment of an old classic like Star Wars or Planet of the Apes.

With these guidelines in mind you can be educated in your choice of movies that’s won’t make you puke.

Toilet Talk: Would You Rather 2

This time we’re looking at bodily functions. Animals are always fun and require some careful strategic planning, however these bodily function situations are more to do with thresholds. You see, either way you’re screwed - they’re more a matter of which are you more screwed doing and tend to speak towards what someone is made of.

Would you rather take a handful of Alli then eat a sack of white castle sliders.

OR

Would you rather drink a whole bottle of pepto then eat a sack of white castle sliders.

What this boils down to is would you rather be backed up followed by a monstrous crap that could tear you up coming out or glued to the toilet spraying brown water from your brown eye?

My answer? I’m going for the Alli. Diarrhea may be more uncomfortable upfront but in the end your sore butthole will heal. Giving birth to giant black turd shaped like a football can end you.

Toilet Talk: Would You Rather One

I’ll start with an easy one.

Would you rather be locked in a small room for 20 mins with a hive of agitated bees or a king cobra?

My choice? The King Cobra - easier to evade even in small spaces and if bitten you are put out of your misery quickly rather than the accumulation of stings you would receive from the bees. The attraction of the bees is that while you are guaranteed to get stung, you’re hoping you will be able to last out the 20 mins. -Ben

Toilet Talk: A Philosophical Discussion About Smells

Yesterday I touched on a discussion I had about the difference between men and women when it comes to disgusting habits - men treat them as a badge of honor, women fart into toilets. This difference is rooted in a deep seated desire in men to compete for superiority - let me explain.

Friday night I was watching Shark Tank with my lady - one of the companies making a pitch was “Man Candles” - who sold candles scented like, among other things, farts. I chuckled as the male investors lined up to sniff the candle and then hold back puke exclaiming “its not so bad!”. Kathryn’s immediate reaction was “why would anyone want a candle that smells like a fart?”. My answer was quite simple - its a show of guts.

As animals we no longer need to get into fights or put on elaborate mating dances to prove our superiority over other males of our species. As we evolved, started walking upright, and communicating full sentences we rid ourselves of some of the primal urges and customs. One of those animal urges that remains ingrained is the desire to smell something utterly disgusting and shrug it off as “not that bad”.

It never fails - walk into a room full of men with a bowl of rotting meat and exclaim “this is the worst thing I have ever smelt” and I guarantee you every single one will line up to take a whiff. Choke yourself with a fart and there will be 10 guys sniffing you to compare it to their work.

It goes beyond smells - it manifests itself in watching 2 Girls 1 Cup or sending forwards of a woman with an octopus in her twat. Talk about either of those and I guarantee 9 responses out of 10 is “I saw that, it wasn’t so bad”.

So my question of th day is - what was grossest thing you have smelled or watched or tasted for no other reason than everyone smelled or tasted or watched it?

For me it was a case of Thanksgiving Flavored Jones soda - particulary the Dinner Roll soda. It tasted like carbonated yeast. - Ben